The Hardest Thing: my life feels over and also just beginning

The music that I make comes from a very deep place within myself. If you listen closely, you’ll know almost all there is to know about me. But all these big and small feelings I put out with my bass get a chance to hide behind chords and sounds and tone and etc. This blog post will undoubtedly be the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever shared. I am not hiding and there is nothing to hide behind.

In October of 2023, I was feeling like the musician that I always wanted to become. I was playing 5-6 gigs a week as a solo bassist. Nobody was doing it like me. I was at such a high level technically, artistically, and professionally. It was like I finally had found the musician that I had been looking for all my life. It all seemed so easy-like turning on a faucet, great ideas would just flow forth. And people loved listening to me play. I had figured it all out-and I’m sure you can guess what happens next.

An incident occurred that shocked me into fight or flight mode and I got stuck there. The next gig I played, my fingers wouldn’t do what my mind asked. That connection was almost completely gone. I felt like I had less control over my hands than even the first time I picked up the bass. I freaked the fuck out!

I developed the symptoms of a brain injury called Focal Dystonia. In short, it’s a neurological condition that affects a muscle or groups of muscles in a certain part of the body during certain activities. It affects less than 1 percent of people (I’m special haha!) And the first thing I learned about Focal Dystonia is that there is no cure.

“Bullshit” I thought to myself. I just needed to practice more. So I sat down with my metronome to try to force my way through it. And that didn’t work. Not even a little bit. In fact, with a sense of poetic justice, it actually got worse.

I continued to play, and I’m very proud of that. My commitment towards making a beautiful sound and sharing my gift never wavered. But these were dark days. I felt as if I had lost my whole self.

And how could this happen to me?! I always tried so hard to be a musician with a pure and grateful heart. I never took any of it for granted. The fact that I’ve been lucky enough to do this for a living was never lost on me. This condition felt shitty, unfair, and devastating. I fell into a deep depression.

I tried many things, and I have learned a lot from each of them. Perhaps the most helpful initially was yoga, which I am now ready to practice for life. That person I felt on the mat sometimes…that feels like the real me, free from whatever expectations are placed upon me by others or myself. That was a beautiful lesson, but my condition continued to worsen.

Next I tried brain spotting therapy and talk therapy. I grew so much and am so proud of my progress with my emotional maturity. Again, I learned that there is a real me and that he is not the panicked or anxious version. We are all made up of many parts, and we can talk to these parts and be there for them. A beautiful lesson-and yet my condition kept getting worse.

I tried Reiki and somatic based therapy. I felt the deep care of my practitioners and I started to believe in healing. But I wasn’t healed.

I went to church to see if Jesus could help. I met so many kind people and learned that it really does take a community to make this world a better place. But I still made no progress in my playing.

I attended many acupuncture sessions. From this I learned sometimes you just need to lay there and take it haha! But I kept on playing with no real sense of control with my hands.

I turned to Taoism. I learned to accept and even prefer things as they are. This was one of my biggest lessons and really helped me deal with my problems. But Taoism takes both a lifetime and an instant to master. And it did not seem to have any effect on my condition.

I tried Constraint Induced Movement Therapy, which is mainly used for stroke victims. I put splints on my fingers and tried to retrain my brain map. This gave me some good results and I finally figured it out! Except that I didn’t, and things quickly went back to where they had been.

I read so many books, medical journals, personal experiences, etc. I poured over data I could barely understand. And yes I finally caved and asked ChatGPT.

All these things helped me deal, but none of them really helped me make progress with the condition. I became desperate. Then I desperately tried to not be desperate. Nothing worked.

Currently I am doing hypnosis and experiencing some positive results with Jessica Tullos at Bluewave Hypnotherapy. I’ve loved this experience. This has honestly seemed to flip a switch for me, and though I am still struggling, the struggle feels much easier, lighter. My subconscious is getting some much needed TLC.

I’ve learned a lot and also hit some very big lows that I won’t go into detail on but I think you know what I mean. I will always continue to play and try to make a beautiful sound. The music that I make is one of a kind, and this is my gift to share with the world. And I love to share! But the real me, not the musician me, deserves a chance to breathe…

I thought that being a musician was who I was. I’ve been one for so long that this is understandable, but what a real mistake. Because of this attachment, Focal dystonia took everything from me-not just musically but everything. But it didn’t have to. I let it. And I’ll be paying for that mistake for a long long time.

My life is a pretty serious mess at the time of this writing in many respects. Some pieces seem to be coming together and some seem to be falling into place too little & too late. But I feel more confident than I ever have about my ability to handle life’s challenges with both resilience and peace.

The truth is, we can never go back. And we can’t go forward all at once. We move forward in a million little moments. We have faith, and we try. But we also don’t try to be attached to what happens in all these moments. We keep trying and not trying and eventually things end up where they always do-the way that it is destined to be.

I am sorry for the people I hurt inadvertently because of this. I’m sorry for the pain it caused. And I am sorry to myself. We all deserved better-and I will fight with all my heart to try and I will battle with all my spirit to also let go.

There might be a happy ending to this story. There might not be. I choose to be at peace and smile at whatever happens.

If you are suffering from focal dystonia or just need any help at all, my email is basseverynight@gmail.com. I want to hear from you.

With much appreciation and respect,

Benny